I'm terribly sorry to learn about your losses. I cannot imagine losing family at such a young age, especially when we have still yet to live our childhood and adolescent years. When I think of people younger than me, I think happy thoughts of them as young adults living their prime, devoid of suffering. But then, I'm reminded with a story like yours that some of us grow up way too fast, much faster than what a child's spiritual age capacity can allow.. and the next day, we're grown adults.

I haven't lost my mother yet, but I think about her often as she's in her old age. I'm currently 23 but when I was a child, she used to feed me all kinds of dark thoughts concerning abandonment, loss and death. She's done a successful job of it, too. I used to be so afraid of losing her that I would disconnect or 'abandon' her emotionally, just to prepare myself for anything. This would, in turn, fuel her pain more that she thought she was losing me. I could never enjoy a good moment with her, as our conversations would quickly take a serious turn while we're happily shopping or enjoying a meal together. I realized she's created this emotional dependency by using her fears against me(she's a Scorpio moon, 8th house), so everytime I was out and having fun with friends, she would ring me up and use the guilt trip to force me to come home. I felt responsible for her in some way. I've matured myself to not be afraid, that life is what we make of it and death should be welcomed. Sometimes I wonder if I'm stronger than my mother because of this acceptance. I have feelings she never got over her losses. There would be times when she would act so childish and I would often feel like the adult. After telling myself this, all of my fears surrounding death of loved ones dissipated.

But this acceptance was not without it's past. My loss in innocence came when my grandmother died. I felt confused in where I was planted in the family. I had taken a caretaker role as well taking care of the writing checks for the bills, buying groceries, cooking meals, homework help for siblings, laundry, etc. I was beginning 6th grade when she died. My home was cold and filled with something. Not a ghost or a malevolent spirit, but something depressing caused by all of the family members mourning. I hated growing up since then. My grandmother was a 2nd mother to me since my mother always worked. Grandma was always fun and games, and not always "death this" or "loss that". And you know with grandmothers, they nourish you well in every aspect. Grandmother made food mom never allowed me to eat, she allowed me to stay out in the playground for longer periods of time just so I can have fun. She used to teach me games of her generation and proper Japanese. She also let us have a puppy and pet turtles in home. All things that fulfilled my childhood with such warmth. Grandma was so relaxed about everything, but mom was different.

My mother was preoccupied in asking and telling me questions that carried a horrible burden. How will you take care of yourself if your parents died? Your father almost died in his operation. Your father was almost killed at gunpoint when you were a baby. Were it not for me, we would have lived in crime-ridden Detroit, MI., etc. - and she would never stop telling me this. (Natally, I have Pluto in 4th, so this explains a lot of death-talk regarding my father. I'm also not close to my father because something happened earlier on that I completely disconnected myself with him, but our relationship is more friendly than close father-daughterly. But back to mom.) Talk about protecting your child from the world. She threw me out there to see the horror. Sometimes, I can't help but to wonder if there is a perverse sense of enjoyment by instilling a child with heavy thoughts.

I felt pressures of being forced to grow up, just so my mom can see that I can face the world. Get a good job so that I may be financially secure, and not be dependent on anyone. I fear about facing the world(jobs, mostly), and yet it seems like I've been there, done that, as if the tough challenges I've gone through have come to pass. My education was interrupted at one point, so I was thrown off track from life. I was constantly absent. I did anything to not be in school. Feign sickness, fought heated arguments in the morning, anything as long as I could avoid stepping into school. I used to go elsewhere and stay out for hours to fool my parents thinking I was in class when I was just hanging out alone by the river. Rainy days were the best. I also never told anyone why I flunked out fearing comments like "Over a boy? That's a stupid reason to drop out!" I did very well in school but it felt so degrading to admit I failed because of a breakup. But people seem to think otherwise. They all have formulated their own opinions but it was because I didn't know how to handle the loss of a relationship. It was so devastating to me, I wanted to avoided this pain at all cost, even if it meant to not return where the hurt took place. Absolutely no control. No backbone. No discipline. Now I'm okay with breakups. In retrospect, it's so pathetic and pitiful to lose so much time wasted on healing. I don't know why I constantly felt like a troublemaker and a criminal back then. I'm wasn't that incompetent.

I've often felt I wanted to escape so badly but just had to toughen up instead, even though I was crumbling inside. I really hated crying when I was young, but when someone else cried, I lost it. I prided myself in being control of my emotions, but nowadays I let it out more. It helps to think of Capricorn's opposite sign, Cancer. How does it nurture itself when it's hurt? It helps to think this way. I never used to treat myself to anything when I was hurt, but a friend once brought in some tea with milk and honey as we spoke over a lengthy conversation... (she had Cancer moon) it felt extremely comforting, to be looked after. So whatever Cancer does, follow in example. Opposites usually fill in what we lack.

I'm not sure if I ever had seen entities.. but I did have experience a sleep paralysis, it felt like an evil entity choking me with a loud booming voice.

The archetype of the orphan child resonates within me strongly. Does it with you?

Sorry for the long post.. but thank you for sharing your story. I felt since you opened up, I would have returned the favor too. I hope your life is in much better shape now, and that you've been able to pick up some coping skills along the way. Sometimes when I'm feeling most alone, I desperately seek for someone to take care of me. When I realize that no one can do this, I turn to myself, because if it's not anyone else then it's me who must be the stronghold. You're a brave one, at that. :)

"I lose my train of thought way too often and I experience lapses in my short and long term memory"

Yep i can relate to that very much. I'm having huge problems concentrating on stuff like studying and also have a lot of emotional and personal problems in general lately (mood swings, depression, withdrawal etc.). Just yesterday i looked into transits for the first time and what do i find? transiting pluto conjunct my natal moon. it all figures now. And the month i had that strange mental thing happen to me 3 years ago it went right over my saturn and uranus. Not sure if it was effect of the moon or uranus or saturn (or all together) since they in are in orb of 4°, but my personality completly shattered back then (the reason i thought i had lost it-guess i did <.< ) and i had to start all over again. piece by piece. I kinda withdrew from social activities (parties and hanging out) i used to enjoy due to feeling weird, defeated and needing inner peace but still managed to somehow continue studying and i still do, barely :P
Pluto transit is now 3° over my moon so i guess it's loosing it's effect? Either way one thing is for sure, deep transformation took place. Next in line is my natal neptune. Oh shi- >.< I think Ignorance is bliss is going to become my motto when this one kicks in. lol

And as you said, writing does help learning about yourself. =)
Well that was my personal apocalypse, obviously not the last one. All in all i believe i've become a much better person with new values and moral integrity.
I think Dabrowski called such process "Positive disintegration".

Since my conjunction stuff is in late degrees of sagittarius and early capricorn i suppose you probably haven't yet experienced pluto transit... I wish u all the best!